A look back...

Happy New Years Eve!!!

I started out the last day of 2005 with a follicle check. Good news:) My dr. was really happy the way I responded to the Gonal F. My lining is good and I have 4 follicles that are growing nicely. One on my right and three on my left :) I will hopefully ovulate all of the:) I have another ultrasound Monday and then 1st IUI is either Tuesday or Wednsday.

So good news to end the year, even if a year ago I wouldn't have dreamt this is where I would be.

Last New Years eve we were at our friends party in Germany. There was a big paper taped to the wall and everyone was writing what they wanted in the New Year. We of course wrote that we wanted a baby.

Instead of getting a baby, we have gotten to go down this road. At the start of 2005 I just thought it was slightly odd that I wasn't pregnant after 5 cycles. I gave it another few months when in April I kinda gave myself an ultimatum. I was going through one of those cycles when you think you have finally succeeded. I remember thinking that is af came that was it-something had to be wrong. Sure enough af came and a few weeks later we found out that dh had a low count.

I researched and got dh numerous vitamins and throughout the summer he took those. In July my regular ob-gyn told me to try a cycle of IUI. We went in and dh count had almost doubled, my dr. was ecstatic that this would work. A couple weeks later I got my period on a 747 8 hours into a flight to Frankfurt. I was thinking that I could finally announce a pregnancy to my family and dh's family. I ended up putting on a brave face and told everyone we just weren't ready yet for children.

At the end of September after another failed IUI I went to see my RE for the first time. Found out that my FSH is too high. 2 failed IUI's later, here I am. Ready to start my last IUI cycle.

Of course, my life wasn't over consumed by infertility. 2005 had many other ups and downs.
My dh stopped working for our family business and is now very happy in architecture school. My family business is doing better then it was last year at this time. My own business has florished wonderfully. My name is just a little more known in the design world then it was a year ago. I started a new line of candle holders that have knocked the socks off many desingers. I have traveled a lot within the U.S. ( but mostly for work ). I got my first dog. I moved to this house. I saw my childhood best friend marry her new best friend. I saw my BIL marry his girlfriend of 10 years. I saw my friend have a baby that was born the same month I would have been due had I been one of the fertile ones. I fell in love with the show "Lost". I saw about a thousand movies. A seal almost fell on my head while I was surfing. I surfed with dolphins for the first time.

There are a lot of other things that I just can't remember now, but all in all, I am a differant person then I was last year.

And next year, as 2006 comes to a close I will be sitting here with a baby ( or babies ) in my arms and think about how my long road ttc finally came to an end .

Happy Holidays

Well, another holiday season is almost over. I don't know about everyone else, but for me Christmas couldn't be over fast enough. I'm European, and we celebrate on the 24th, the actual day was okay, I got a little upset in the car on the way to my parents. But then altogether it wasn't too bad.

I just told myself that this will be the last holiday I don't have a baby. It's weird though, because next year at this time I really will have a baby or be pregnant, or I will be looking at the fact I probably won't be having biological kids.

Af showed up on Sunday. Monday morning I was back at the doctors. The good news is that they gave me $2,000 worth of free injectibles!!! That was awsome. It means this injectibles cycle is going to be really cheap for me.

The ultrasound itself was odd. He thought I might be pregnant ( because I guess of what he saw of my lining ), but then I told him the blood test and HPT's said I am not. Then he just said weird. That's a lovely diagnosis. Weird- just what I want to be.

There was also a cycst, but thankfully not on my ovary, so the injectibles is still a go this cycle:)
The is however concerned that my FSH level is 10. After this cycle it is definatley time to move on to IVF.

What also stinks is that I can't do that shared risk program. Your FSH levels need to be under 10 to qualify, so I guess I am out. With my high levels, I produce less eggs , so I won't have as many eggs as women my age have. It might take me a few tries of IVF. Hopefully not though.

At least my dr. put a new fear into my mind. He said that he won't know the quality of my eggs until we do IVF. I am now terrified that my eggs are going to be less then stellar. I know there is no point in worrying , but this is a big thing for me. I always thought IVF was a sure thing for me, I don't really want to think about the fact that there is a possibility I may not have a biological child.

I know I am getting ahead of myself. It just gets so overwhelming at times.

The fear has set in

Okay, let me begin by saying that these posts of mine might be getting a bit redundent now.
I am slowly getting back on my feet, every cycle that fails is getting harder and harder each time now.

As the post title says it, fear has really set in. I have accepted that I am not pregnant. However it is really hitting home how close IVF is.

I have always been really oppossed to IVF ( for myself ). It's not from a religous percpective that bothers me. I don't know. I always ( well since last May ) assumed that IUI's would work.
The sheer thought of IVF has always scared me though.

One big thing is the money issue. It's so stupid really. I actually am making really good money now and ( knock on wood ) if my sales continue this way I should have no problem paying for IVF. In addition to that I do have a good size savings account, so money really shouldn't be an object. I feel so bad even writing that though. I know there are so many women out there who only wish they had the funds for IVF.

I guess I just never saw myself shelling out so much money for a baby. It's totally worth it, and if I got a written guarentee that if I wrote a check out for 20 grand I would get a baby in return I would do it in a heartbeat. I just hate that so many people get to have babies for free. They just have sex and thats it- baby. No shots, hormones, the lovely transvaginal ultrasounds, laying in stirrups with a dr shooting my dh sperm directly into my uterus. None of that. They don't spend hunders and hundreds of dollars every month.

I told my mom today that I think I would like my paycheck deposited directly to my Infertility Clinic.

I guess what I am realizing is that I have not yet accepted that my baby will not be concieved naturally. It's weird that I haven't gotten to that point yet, but yup, thats where I am.

I hate this feeling that I have to spend so much money for something people have for free. This also really relates to buying a house too. I would love to buy a house in my neighborhood. I don't live in a fancy area, but I do live in a safe area. I can walk my dog in the dark and not be worried whether I lock my door or not when I am home. 3 years ago the houses around me sold for about $300,000. They all go for around a million now. I fell that its unfair that a few years ago someone like me could afford to live here and I cannot. I work hard but I feel like it's not enough. I feel like I am drowning in the cost of living and a family.

My friends Michelle and Larissa have heard me complain about this a hundred times:) I live in San Diego, in a small rental condo/cottage/trying to be a house. There is no way in hell a baby will ever fit in here. My place is tiny! It's not worth it to spend more money on a bigger rental- we pay $1,160 as it is- and that is really cheap here.
If I want to rent a house I need to spend about $2000 a month on rent. I really want to be able to own a home when I have a baby. All of them money I have saved is earmarked for the purchase of a home. At the rate we are going, we may be able to afford a home next year.
Now, without question, I would take a baby over a house anyday. But for one thing, a house is a sure thing. If I put down $100,000 on a house I know I will get a house. If I put down the same amount for a baby- it's not a guarentee. And it scares me so much to think that I could shell out all this money and have a nurse call at the end of everything and tell me "sorry, it was negative".

Another fear of course is that I get the baby and have no money to move out of here. And I know that doing all this fertility stuff greatly increases my chances for multiples.
Seriously, I will have to have the crib in the bathroom and the changing table on the balcony.

I guess writing all this I realize it's money that I am scared of. Not really IVF. I think I would feel a lot differently about it if it was somehow free.

It's Official

I went in for my blood test today.

They were pretty fast getting the results back to me. It only takk about an hour and a half.

It was negative.

I wasn't suprised. I took another HPT yesterday morning, so I knew the chances of getting a + today were a long shot. And I actually feel okay now. For me, the crazyiness are the days before af starts. I have accepted it now and am looking foward to the next cycle.

I still can't help but wonder why it didn't work. We did everything right. Sometimes I wonder if anything might still be wrong. I can't help it. I had the HSG done, but I didn't have anything really checked on my uterus. I had spotting at 9dpo this cycle. Honestly since I was taking progestrone I thought it was implantation bleeding. There was not a lot of it. I never really thought to worry about anything being wrong with my uterus. I always have such regular periods, I don't have a heavy flow, my cramps are easily cured by 2 aleve ( and even that is just on the first day).
I think that since I am still not pg, I am driving myself crazy with this thinking.
I just don't really understand how I could not be pg. I have had 4 IUI's now- 2 of them were probably not good because I wasn't ovulating good eggs. However I have done 2 cycles of IUI's ( one with clomid, one with injectibles ) where everything was great.

I'm just frusterated in a way. I don't see why IUI's are not working for us. This is our last cycle of injectibles before moving on to the really big guns: IVF. It wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't SO much money out of pocket. I just really want IUIs to work and I don't understand why they are not. It makes me wonder with IVF, too. At first my dr.'s thought IUI's would get me pregnant, and they have yet worked. What if that happens with IVF too. There really isn't another step after IVF.

Well, I guess I have babbled on enough. I'm feeling alright now with the BFN. I guess I am just a little nervous if anything else is going on that I don't know about that could be preventing a pg.

It's that time of month again

No, af didn't show today.

I don't really know when to expect her, as I am taking progestrone, but I am on CD 23 and usually my cycles are not more then 27 days.

This is the time of month where infertility really hits. This is when I find out that once again, this cycle didn't work, and I have to do everything all over again in a few days.

I'm sorry if these posts seem really down, but these days aren't really good for me.

Last night dh and I got into a huge fight. So bad that he slept in the guest room, which he never did before. It was over something stupid. Last night before meeting friends to go see a movie, we were thinking of a lie we could tell everyone why we couldn't go to Big Bear for New Years. While we would love to go, it looks like the IUI's will be happening around those days. My parents also offered to take us on a cruise, but we had to decline that also.

Dh seemed okay with it, but then after the movie he said we could always just go. The thought of postponing a month is unbearable. I was kinda stunned since he seemed okay with the idea of staying home. Anyways a huge fight started. I said some pretty bad things that I rather regret saying. I just feel that we are hitting this rock bottom in infertility. It's always there and I can't get away from it. So many desicions and plans are made always with treatment and where we are in a cycle in mind.

I don't really talk to my friends anymore either. I want too, but their problems sound so easier then mine. I can give advice to them on how to handle the stress of school and issues with dating, but they can't relate to the pain that comes with not being able to have a baby.

Before our huge fight, dh was trying to be helpful. He asked me if I really wanted to do another injectibles cycle, or if I just wanted to move on to IVF right away. I thought about it a little, but I really want to try injectibles one more time. I just don't see why this is not working. I made good eggs, dh sperm count was good, so what the hell?

HPT's have a vendetta against me

I think the title of my post says it all.

I tested this morning and it was a BFN.

I'm feeling pretty crappy, but it's that familiar crappy that I have been feeling for the last year and a half. After all , this is the 753 pregnancy test I have taken. I am used to seeing that single line.

I'm still letting a little piece of myself think that it may have still been too early. As odd as it sounds, I bought a test that wasn't the most sensative. I guess so that I could sit here and still have a glimmer of hope.

I am thinking that I really am ready to take more drastic measures. I will do this injectibles cycle one more time, and then after that immediatly IVF.

The only question I have with IVF is how many embryos I will make. I only have about 6 follicles on my ovaries at the start of my cycle, most women have like 20. Does that mean the max amount of mature eggs I will have is 6?

I really don't understand why this is not working. I had two good eggs, dh had a good count.Why didn't it work???

Interestingly enough, after 16 cycles, these are the last pregnancy tests I will take ( at least until I am ready to have baby #2, assumiong baby #1 will happen someday ) I will be just having bloodwork done at 16 dpo from this point on. Like I said in previous posts, I was scheduled to have a blood test this coming Thursday- but that is just too close to Christmas from me. The last thing I need is hearing on Christmas Eve that the test was negative. This way I have about a week to get used to it. I'm not going to go to the bloodtest on Thursday. I will probably take a couple of more HPT's before then and if they are still negative I will see no need to go in for the test.

My mom talks to my uncle almost every day now about the new baby. She says he sounds beyond happy about having a new grandson. It just kinda stinks. I know how bad both of my parents want to be grandparents.

Last year at this time I was going through this exact same thing. I was in Europe and all my family was asking me about babies and telling me that it's time I had one. After 2 days into our trip dh went on to Germany and I stayed in Hungary for another week. That week by myself was the last week of a 2ww. I remember seeing dh at the airport when I met him in Germany and how badly I wanted to tell him he was going to be a father. I ended up getting my period that night.

At this point I just can't believe that there are actually people out there who don't have to go through this. I can't believe there are people who get pg on cycle 1. And after only having sex.
After ultrasounds ,the shots in the belly, the HCG trigger , 2 IUI's and then the progestrone twice every day and lets not forget the $1,500 I spent on this cycle I can't believe I have nothing to show for it. I am on some type of meds every day of my cycle except for the first day. I don't know what else I need to do.

Well, so anyways it starts again. Mentally preparing myself for af, that will probably show up around Christmas.

A birth

My cousins wife had her baby today.
I'm thrilled that there is a baby in the family, but it's kinda hitting hard now that I still don't have one.
Unlike most of you ladies, I have been blessed in that I haven't been surronded too many pregnant women. One of my employees had a baby in Sept. but thats it. The youngest person in my whole extended family was 21.
My mom said that my uncle ( babies grandfather ) is so happy:) It made me really sad for a second because I know how badly she wants to be a grandmother. I'm an only child, so it's kinda all on me.

So yeah, I feel happy,and really weird and a bit jealous. Its just crazy that when she got pregnant I was already trying for 7 months. and she has her baby now and I am still nowhere.

I am going to Denver tommorow for work. It's weird, the last time I was there I was just starting to ttc. When they asked if I could come back in May I was thinking I won't be able to because I would be very pregnant or have a newborn.

Ughhhh, my whole post seems kinda depressing. I guess it's just been a stressful few days. I'm also pretty nervous about testing on Saturday. Like I said, it might still be too early, but I don't want to wait until it gets too close to the holidays.

A little off topic

Okay, fist of all I want to thank all the new girls that have read my blog and made comments.
Larissa, did I thank you for that shout out? If not Thank You:)
It was especially great reading the comments from my last post. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I always thought that everyone just knows they are pregnant right from the time they concieve.

So my plan is this. I was going to wait until my bloodtest to find out about this month, but I think I will take a test on Saturday. I will be 11 dpo and 13 dptrigger. Even if it is too soon, if it's negative I can slowy get as okay with it as I'm going to get. Not to be pessimistic, but I just don't want to wait till 16 dpo only to get a call on Christmas Eve that I am not pregnant.

So a lot of stuff is going on in my life non fertility wise. This might get long but I feel like writing it out.

My grandmother died two months ago. I always had a pretty weird relationship with my dad's side of the family ( the ones that are still living). Basically my grandmother thought the world of my uncle and let us always know that him and his family come first. They live in Budapest ( as does all my family ) and as did my grandmother. My dad kept a relationship with them for God knows why. I basically cut them out of my lives when I was 16, but I did go and visit them occasionally.
My uncle is bacially the biggest slimeball in the world. Seriously, there are no English words that could quite describe hime. His life revolved around waiting for his parents to die and to push my dad out of the will. My grandfather was the most successful blacksmith in Budapest in his time and left his shop to my uncle, who proceeded to run it into the ground. The man hates work.
Well my dad flew back to Budapest on Friday for 2 days ( it's a 19 hour trip each way ) so he could be there when they read the will ( mandatory that he be there ).
Well, my grandmother left my uncle everything. 3 houses. 2 stores. Expensive painting, etc etc etc. My dad got a painting that they bought for 50 forints, which comes out to abou .25 cents.
All the things that belonged to my dads grandparents ( who loved my dad very much ) went to my uncle. Their house and all their belongings all went to my unlce. She told lies about my dad in the will that completely shocked us.
My grandmother also put into her will that she knows that legally my dad can sue for some part of the estate and that she asks my dad not to pursue this and give it to Ivan.
When I was 9 she told me all the rent from the 2 stores is going into a savings account for me. That money today would pay for about 10 IVF cycles, instead it's all my cousins.
My dad works like crazy. Gets up at 5 am and works until 6-8 p.m. on weekdays and puts in many hours weekends.( we also have a blacksmith shop).
My uncle ( who is 6 years younger then my dad ) never bothered to put any effort working.He worked a few hours a day, but basically mooched off my grandmother. He "retired" a couple years ago.
He sits on an absolute fortune now.
The whole things makes me sick. I could write a book on all the disgusting things my grandmother and uncle did to my dad.

Well, I guess I'll have to stop there. I have so much more to write about this, but I need to pick up my dad from the airport.

Limbo

I had that dream again last night.

Almost every month I do some kind of fertility treatment, I have a dream in my 2ww that I am pregnant. I hate these dreams so much because of the flood of pain that comes when I awake.

Last nights dream I saw my baby on an ultrasound. I was so happy and relieved that I started crying. You know how people say your can't really miss what you never had? I feel that while all this infertility stuff sucks, I haven't actually lost something. Everytime I have these dreams, for that little while, I feel the complete elation of finally having my dream. Waking up and realizing none of it was true is like a stabbing pain.

I realized that what I said a few posts back isn't true. 2ww do phase me. I have just been through so many of them I feel like I am always in this limbo of waiting.

What does it feel like to be pregnant?
Do you somehow intuitively feel the sperm and egg connect?
Do you feel nothing at all until you get a BFP?

As much as I try to stay calm during the 2ww, these thoughts can't help but creep into my mind.
My IUI's were last Monday and Tuesday. I didn't feel anything differant- should I have?
Now, almost a week into my 2ww, I don't feel pregnant. Should I, if I am?

Symptomes mean nothing. My breasts have been sore like never before about 1 day after the second IUI. Along with horrible nausea that I have been having, one would think for sure these are pregnancy syptoms. However, after injecting myself full of hormones all last week, I know all these are merely the side effects of the drugs.

Will I ever have that intuitive" I am pregnant" feeling when I do concieve? After so many months of it not happening I know my body has put up a wall against these types of emotions. I can't let myself believe that I am pregnant, because I know how hard the fall will be if I am not.
I can't be as full of hope as those girl who first start ttc. It's not a big deal when you first start ttc. The stakes are so much higher now. I have no insurance coverage to anything we are doing, and it's hard to think that we spent about $1,500 - $2,000 this month all for nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here telling myself I 'm not pregnant. I'm just questioning myself if I should be feeling anything if I was.

I don't think I want to do this for much longer. I am lucky my husband basically lets me call the shots at what to do fertility wise. I think if this cycle doesn't work, I'll do another of injectibles, but then throw in the towel and move on to IVF.

Another Reality

I wonder a lot what my life would be like had I not had trouble concieving.
I know it doesn't help to think about this stuff, but sometimes I can't help it.

What would my life be like had I been like 85% of the population and would have gotten pregnant right away.

The month before we started trying we almost thought we were pregnant. I was late and I took one of the digital pregnancy tests. The test didn't work, but when I took the stick out there were 2 very visible lines. Not reading the instructions properly, I thought for sure this meant a positive. I remember feeling excited and scared and telling dh that we might have a baby on the way.

Obviously I was wrong. And while I was writing the above paragraph I realized that is how we started trying. When I found out I really wasn't pregnant, I wanted to start trying for a baby.

That would have remained the story of how I started ttc. In an alternate reality though I would have happily announced a pregnancy a couple of months later. I would have a 4-6 month old now, getting ready for the babies first Christmas.

All of this is really great thinking when I want to throw myself a pity party:)

However, I also think of another alternate reality I was so lucky to escape.

This past summer I started getting horrible bruises on my legs. They were the size of baseballs they were so huge. This is exactly what happened to my grandmother before she found out she had leukamia. So I went to the Dr. and he basically thought it was either 1. unexplainable 2. a vitamin overdose from all the prenatal and fertility vitamin or 3. leukamia. A blood test determined everything for me.

It was not leukamia.

So, instead of sitting in an onocology ward right now, bald and trying to figure out how much longer I had to live, I get to be healthy and I get to have the privelege of going to the Reproductive Endocrinologist to focus on having a baby.

Sometimes its easy to get caught up in wanting it all. I may think my situation stinks, but there is someone of there who didn't get so lucky with their diagnosis, who thinks that I have everything.

The present

Wow, I am really getting into this posting thing:)

Anyways, I thought the last post had gotten long so I decided to start a new post.

So as of now I am 2 dpo. I had 2 IUI's done this cycle. This was my first cycle on injectibles, so I am cautiously optomistic that maybe this time it worked.

What really sucks though is that I find out if I am pregnant or not a few days before Christmas. While finding out I am pregnant would make this the best Christmas of my life, finding out that I'm not would really put a damper on my holiday, to put it lightly.

So I guess thats it. Just plodding through the 2ww. 2 ww's don't phase me anymore though. I have been through about 16 of them.

My background

Well, I think anyone who might be reading my blog already knows me, but what the hell. I'll write everything out.

Dh and I started ttc in August 2004. I don't really remember what made us think to try. I think we were driving home from a delivery in L.A. and thought what the hell. Funny thing is that even though we tried I knew I wouldn't get pregnant that month because my psychic told me August was no good, but that she felt babies around me and that I would get pregnant in Septemeber.

I wish she would have clarified the year.

Either way, that was the last time I called her. Oddly enough she was freakishly right on with everything else.

So September passed with no BFP, it was really hard getting towards Christmas not being pregnant. Dh and I were going to Europe and we SOOOOOOOO wanted to anounce our pregnancy to all of our relatives. It was pretty tough having to answer to all our relatives that we weren't ready yet. If only they knew.

In May we found out that dh had a slighty low count. In September we found out that my hormone levels are slightly out of whack and I may not be producing good eggs.

starting

Okay,

I stole this idea from Michelle from my yahoo group.

I am the worst computer savy person in the world. I doubt I will ever be able to find my blog again.