I doubt anyone will wonder back here, most of this I am writing for myself.
I just read through my posts from last January. I am sitting here with a beautiful baby boy in my arms. Erik was born 6 weeks early on August 13th and is a healthy and happy newborn.
I can't believe it sometimes when I look at him. He is my miracle, and I am so thankful to have him.
The past nine months have had there ups and downs. All in all my pregnancy was a wonderful journey that I have the fondest memories of.
It's hard to believe time flew by so fast, and that he is here already.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Leaving........
This was kinda a hard decision for me to make, but I think for now I am going to stop posting on my blog.
I started a website on babies online and I think from now on I will post there.
When I first started my blog I only really expected Larissa and Michelle to comment on it, but it turned out I met a lot of amazing ladies who gave me great encouragment and advice. I wish I would have started this blog a year ago, because I could have really needed it:)
For some reason, I get a feeling of sadness when I read my blog. Being so early in my pregnancy I can't deal with all the things I felt while I was ttc. I have a good vibe from this pregnancy, but it is still hard not to worry. I don't know if this makes sense, but I need to let go of my infertility. It will always be a part of who I am, but for now I really need to let it go and focus on whats coming up. Even if God forbid something happens to this pregancy, I don't think I will let the weight of my infertility come back. It feels good that no matter what happens, I am able to get pregnant. If something happens, I will focus on that.
I don't know. Nothing I am saying right now is coming out the way I want it to. All you ladies on here are amazing and I wish you all luck in getting pregnant as fast as possible. So many of you have been at this a lot longer then I have. I feel lucky to have found all of you.
Timea
I started a website on babies online and I think from now on I will post there.
When I first started my blog I only really expected Larissa and Michelle to comment on it, but it turned out I met a lot of amazing ladies who gave me great encouragment and advice. I wish I would have started this blog a year ago, because I could have really needed it:)
For some reason, I get a feeling of sadness when I read my blog. Being so early in my pregnancy I can't deal with all the things I felt while I was ttc. I have a good vibe from this pregnancy, but it is still hard not to worry. I don't know if this makes sense, but I need to let go of my infertility. It will always be a part of who I am, but for now I really need to let it go and focus on whats coming up. Even if God forbid something happens to this pregancy, I don't think I will let the weight of my infertility come back. It feels good that no matter what happens, I am able to get pregnant. If something happens, I will focus on that.
I don't know. Nothing I am saying right now is coming out the way I want it to. All you ladies on here are amazing and I wish you all luck in getting pregnant as fast as possible. So many of you have been at this a lot longer then I have. I feel lucky to have found all of you.
Timea
Monday, January 23, 2006
Bedrest
Wow....so 4 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy I am already on bedrest.
I called my dr. about the spotting I have been having and they told me it was completely normal, but to play it on the safe side, if it was possible bed rest for a couple days might help. It feels like so far that has been all I have been doing. From the time we came home on Friday night I have been lounging around the house.
Every day the spotting gets lighter and today there was almost none of it, but then suddenly there was some pink spotting, but I think it is almost gone again. So many people have told me in the past that spotting is completely normal, but I would prefer not to see it.
I am really anxious for my appointment on Feb 8th. I think seeing the heartbeat will really make me feel better.
Its weird how there are little changes. Like my breasts are getting a little bit sore. And I have been feeling this tugging sensation in my uterus, which is pretty cool. I get tired REALLY easily and get dizzy fairly easily too. I am getting a little quesy in the mornings after I eat.
It really is weird being pregnant. My life really did suddenly change, mostly because my family really doesn't want me to go to work in Mexico anymore. They want me to either work in our San Diego office or set up an office at home. I am already going stir crazy in my house and I loved working in Mexico. Of course my baby is my main concern, but work really used to be my life. Now my dad calls me if I feel up to making a phone call and stupid things like that, and I just want to scream that I am not an invalid. I can still do things, especially because my child is the size of a dot right now. I am thrilled to be pregnant, but I am just shocked at how many things have already changed. And as much as I try not to think about it, I am so scared I will lose this pregnancy.
I just want to be in the second trimester already, or least hear the heartbeat.
I called my dr. about the spotting I have been having and they told me it was completely normal, but to play it on the safe side, if it was possible bed rest for a couple days might help. It feels like so far that has been all I have been doing. From the time we came home on Friday night I have been lounging around the house.
Every day the spotting gets lighter and today there was almost none of it, but then suddenly there was some pink spotting, but I think it is almost gone again. So many people have told me in the past that spotting is completely normal, but I would prefer not to see it.
I am really anxious for my appointment on Feb 8th. I think seeing the heartbeat will really make me feel better.
Its weird how there are little changes. Like my breasts are getting a little bit sore. And I have been feeling this tugging sensation in my uterus, which is pretty cool. I get tired REALLY easily and get dizzy fairly easily too. I am getting a little quesy in the mornings after I eat.
It really is weird being pregnant. My life really did suddenly change, mostly because my family really doesn't want me to go to work in Mexico anymore. They want me to either work in our San Diego office or set up an office at home. I am already going stir crazy in my house and I loved working in Mexico. Of course my baby is my main concern, but work really used to be my life. Now my dad calls me if I feel up to making a phone call and stupid things like that, and I just want to scream that I am not an invalid. I can still do things, especially because my child is the size of a dot right now. I am thrilled to be pregnant, but I am just shocked at how many things have already changed. And as much as I try not to think about it, I am so scared I will lose this pregnancy.
I just want to be in the second trimester already, or least hear the heartbeat.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Insomnia
Is apparentely one of my first pregnancy symtoms. I have had it all week now, but at least now I know where its coming from. I also have a bad cold, and now I can't take anything for it, so sleep is definately not going to happen.
It's a weird feeling to be pregnant. I finally have what I waited so long for. I hate to say this though, but I thought all that worry from not being able to concieve would just vanish 0nce I got pregnant.Not the case. It's like it all shifted over to " what if something happens". I am trying to worry as little as possible, because I know it is completely out of my hands, but it's still hard. One of the things I hate is that I have been spotting on and off for a week. It's just brown spotting, which I heard is normal, but I still wish it would just go away.
I never thought I would find out I was pregnant the way I did. After my bloodtest I went to the airport to once again try to track down my dads empty suitcase from his trip to Budapest 6 weeks ago ( I have been going to American Airlines baggage claim since then only to have nobody be able to tell me where it is or to be told it has been flown to Dallas ). So it took me awhile to get the information of the latest place the suitcase was before I got home. When I got home Soeren jumped out the front door with the hugest smile on his face. I just thought he got an A on some homework assignment or something. He shouted " We're pregnant" and I swear I didn't even believe him.He had to say it a few times and then I think I just dropped everything I was holding and started crying.
We ended up telling Soerens parents, my parents and my best friend yesterday. Everyone was really happy.My mom even started crying. I am going to tell my uncle in Hungary this morning and then thats it until 12 weeeks. God forbid if something happens, these are the people I know I could talk to and would have wanted them to know.
Well, I guess this is long enough now. It's still only 6 a.m. and I have already been up for about 2 hours. I am gong to rest a lot today and try to get the spotting to stop.
It's a weird feeling to be pregnant. I finally have what I waited so long for. I hate to say this though, but I thought all that worry from not being able to concieve would just vanish 0nce I got pregnant.Not the case. It's like it all shifted over to " what if something happens". I am trying to worry as little as possible, because I know it is completely out of my hands, but it's still hard. One of the things I hate is that I have been spotting on and off for a week. It's just brown spotting, which I heard is normal, but I still wish it would just go away.
I never thought I would find out I was pregnant the way I did. After my bloodtest I went to the airport to once again try to track down my dads empty suitcase from his trip to Budapest 6 weeks ago ( I have been going to American Airlines baggage claim since then only to have nobody be able to tell me where it is or to be told it has been flown to Dallas ). So it took me awhile to get the information of the latest place the suitcase was before I got home. When I got home Soeren jumped out the front door with the hugest smile on his face. I just thought he got an A on some homework assignment or something. He shouted " We're pregnant" and I swear I didn't even believe him.He had to say it a few times and then I think I just dropped everything I was holding and started crying.
We ended up telling Soerens parents, my parents and my best friend yesterday. Everyone was really happy.My mom even started crying. I am going to tell my uncle in Hungary this morning and then thats it until 12 weeeks. God forbid if something happens, these are the people I know I could talk to and would have wanted them to know.
Well, I guess this is long enough now. It's still only 6 a.m. and I have already been up for about 2 hours. I am gong to rest a lot today and try to get the spotting to stop.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Stunned
Went to the bloodtest today and got the results back
After 17 months of trying
After 20 or so cycles of heartbreak.
After one clomid cycle of IUI
After 2 injectibles cycle
the lab called with the news I have been waiting to hear for what seems like forever
I AM PREGNANT.
I am absolutely stunned right now. Happy doesn't even begin to describe it. I have been sobbing and walking around in a daze.
Timea
pg #1 due September 28th
After 17 months of trying
After 20 or so cycles of heartbreak.
After one clomid cycle of IUI
After 2 injectibles cycle
the lab called with the news I have been waiting to hear for what seems like forever
I AM PREGNANT.
I am absolutely stunned right now. Happy doesn't even begin to describe it. I have been sobbing and walking around in a daze.
Timea
pg #1 due September 28th
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Fertiles and Infertiles
Since I am about half way through my 2ww, I don't have much to report on, so I thought I would write this instead
....................................................................................................................................................................
Fertile girl and Infertile girl are both entering a cycle at the same time: here are some of their thoughts-
Pre Cycle-
Fertile Girl- has just talked her husband into ttc a few months earlier then they expected...she just has so much baby fever she cannot wait any longer...as she awaits her period in a few days, she happily goes to buy what she knows will be her last box of tampons for nine months
Infertile Girl- is just coming to the end of ther zillionth cycle-she has lost count a long time ago...she heads to the fertility center and a couple hours after a blood draw a nurse calls to say" sorry, but it was negative"... as infertile girl lets this sink in she thinks about all the ultrasounds, shots, 2 days of IUI's, the lovely progestrone suppositories that she had to endure and of course the $2,000 she payed out of pocket that is basically money thrown out the window...infertile girl cries for a few hours/days and then grudgingly goes to buy what is her thousanth box of tampons since she has started ttc. she has mixed feelings of hope and despair as she starts her last try of IUI with injectibles before moving on to the really big guns IVF
Cycle Day One-
.................................
Fertile Girls- can't believe she is so excited to see her period... she is officially ttc:)
Infertile Girls- calls the fertility clinic to scedule the base line ultrasound
Cycle Day three-
.............................................
Fertile Girl- can't wait for her period to be over already
Infertile Girl- sits with her legs in stirrups and praying that she doesn't bleed all over the doctor and table...goes down to the pharmacy and pays $600 for her new meds
Cycle Day seven-
..................................................
Fertile Girl- can't believe that it's almost time to ovulate...goes out and buys sexy lingerie and anticipates the big day...
Infertile girl- goes for another transvaginal ultrasound to see how many follicles she has...listens to dr. tell her one more time that if this doesn't work, she should move on to IVF...drops $100 at the clinic goes home and tells her husband that it's that time of the month, this doesn't mean what it usually means, between af and the progestrone suppositories this is the time of month they can actually have sex
Cycle Day nine-
...................................................
Fertile Girl- starts telling her friends she is ttc...they all giggle and then comment on how cute babies and baby clothes are
Infertile Girl- goes for another ultrasound...drops another $100 at the clinic...follicles are ready to go- time for the HCG trigger :) hope starts up again for the non fertile as she goes home and tries numerous times to inject the 1 1/2 inch needle into her ass....proceeds not to be able to sit on her right cheek for the rest of the day
Ovulation-
.........................................
Fertile Girl- The moment has come!!!! In pure excitment and joy, fertile girl and husband have sex in the privacy of their bedroom... after they finish, fertile girl joyfully cries out" I think we just made a baby"
Infertile girl- sends husband to the clinic after harrassing him for the past hour to hurry up or he will be late...husband walks non to happy out the door...2 hours later infertile girl heads to the clinic herself...as she gets there and lays half naked on the table she has a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach as to what her husbands sperm count will be....dr finally enters the room with the nurse and inserts the cold speculum and begins to attempt to get the cateter through the cervix...after some prodding around he exclaims " think happy thoughts" has her husbands sperm is shot into her uterus ( husband at this point could no longer be present). Infertile girl then lays on the table for another half an hour wondering if this may actually be it ... she will go through this exact process tommorow as well, and then pay around $600 for the two days of IUI's.
1DPO
..............
Fertile Girl- Husband begins reffering to her as his pregnant wife
Infertile Girl- pees on a pregnancy test because a. she wants to make sure the trigger did in fact work and b. because she wants to make sure that this isn't all a hoax and that these things do actually give off two lines ( by the way those two lines are the most beautiful site in the world )
5DPO
..............
Ferilte Girl- Has a moment were she begins to doubt herself... She heard about a woman who had to try for four WHOLE months before finally concieving...fertile girl can't bear to think about this because she is just soooo impatient to have a baby, there is no way she could possible make it four months....however she logically thinks to herself that there simply couldn't be any way she couldn't be pregnant...i mean she did have unprotected sex while she was ovulating...how could she NOT be pregnant....she laughes a little at herself for being so silly
Infertile girl- Begins to get nerves that maybe this cycle once again didn't work....she just doesn't feel any differant then she did last week before the IUI's...oh of course she has extremely sore breasts, head aches, nausea, and contemplates laying naked at night on the balcony to ward off the heat waves, but she knows these are simply side effects from the meds she is taking...she begins to get nervous about the next step...IVF...she thinks about the $15,000 or so that she will be paying out of pocket and thinks to herself that if that doesn't work what will she do...how many times can she afford to pay out that kind of money... she can't believe she has gotten this far...IVF used to seem so far in the future , and here it is, just waiting for her to get another BFN
9 DPO-
.............................
Fertile Girl- her mom starts bringing up that she is ready to to a grandma soon...fertile girl shares her secret that her and her husband are trying to have a baby, and that her wish of being a grandma will soon come true...
Infertile Girl- After 2 women announce their pregancies at work ( one of whom wasn't even trying, it "just happened" ) infertile girl goes out with some friends to blow off some steem...one of her friends who got married after infertile girl began ttc casually announces that after 2 month of trying, her and her husband are expecting a baby... after infertile girl puts on a brave face in front of her friend she cries the whole way home...once at home,infertile girls husband announces that he talked to his brother earlier and guess what, him and his wife are expecting their first baby... after hearing this news infertile girl calls up one of her friends who is single and doesn't want children to vent about all these fertile people...infertile girls friend suggests that maybe infertile girl just isn't meant to have children...after a few more minutes infertile girls friend says she is worried because she had a fling three weeks ago and forgot to use a condom and now she is a week late...after infertile girl gets off the phone and considers hurling it out the living room window it rings again and this time is a nosy relative calling to gossip...after hearing about so and so's new baby the nosy relative tell infertile girl that she should have a baby, it's time now and she isn't getting any younger.... at this point all infertile girl wants to do is down several shots of some hard liquer, but doesn't because there is still that sliver of chance that maybe she is pregnant...instead she climbs into bed ,flips on the t.v. only to hear the news broadcaster say " and after the break we will reveal which new celebrity couple announced today they are expecting their first child"..................
11 DPO
...........................
Fertile Girl- decides to head out to the store and buy a pregnancy test...she knows she is testing before her period is due, but she just cannot wait any longer...thes past 11 days were the longest of her life, and she is just sooo impatient to find out...
Infertile Girl- decides that tommorow she may as well take a test...that way if it is negative she can still tell herself that maybe it was just too early to test if it is negative
12 DPO
..........................
Fertile Girl- wakes up with butterflies in her stomach...it's time to take the test...she sneaks into the bathroom and after she is done she puts the test on the sink and sees the control line pop up...after a minute or so she still only sees the one line and starts to get anxious becuase this can't be right...how can she not be pregnant after she did everything right...after a few moments sure enough, that faint second line shows up... fertile girl is ecstatic!!!!!!! she goes back to bed , where her husband is still peacefuly sleeping and nudges him awake, whispering excitedly " your going to be a daddy"... husband immediately wakes up and they hug, laugh and kiss...after they settle down husband places his hands on his wife's flat belly and they happily think how their lives are about to change........
Infertile Girl- also wakes up with butterflies in her stomach...she sneaks into the bathroom with her husband still asleep and nervously unwraps the 750th pregnancy test she has taken since ttc....after she pees on the test she too sets it on the sink and stares. The control line pops up immediatly....infertile girl keeps staring at where the second line should appear, hoping to see something...anything....after 5 minutes the test strip is snow white, except for that dark red control line that seems to be mocking her....feebily infertile girl picks up the test and stands on the toilet holding the test up to the bathroom light, hoping to see the faintest of lines.....nothing.....she leaves the bathroom with a hollow feeling in her stomach...she tells herself it could still be too early, but her heart tells her its not...she gets back in bed and begins to cry, softly not to wake her husband...however her husband is awake and puts his arms around her...he doesn't have to ask why she is upset...after awhile she looks up, to see that his eyes are also red.....she thinks about the next step ...IVF and how scared she is to take that step... the thoughts going throuh her head are how many more shots IVF requires, the egg retrieval process, the fact that it will be a doctor that will be making her baby, the $15,000 that will all be riding on this one try, etc etc etc.......................................
....................................................................................................................................................................
Fertile girl and Infertile girl are both entering a cycle at the same time: here are some of their thoughts-
Pre Cycle-
Fertile Girl- has just talked her husband into ttc a few months earlier then they expected...she just has so much baby fever she cannot wait any longer...as she awaits her period in a few days, she happily goes to buy what she knows will be her last box of tampons for nine months
Infertile Girl- is just coming to the end of ther zillionth cycle-she has lost count a long time ago...she heads to the fertility center and a couple hours after a blood draw a nurse calls to say" sorry, but it was negative"... as infertile girl lets this sink in she thinks about all the ultrasounds, shots, 2 days of IUI's, the lovely progestrone suppositories that she had to endure and of course the $2,000 she payed out of pocket that is basically money thrown out the window...infertile girl cries for a few hours/days and then grudgingly goes to buy what is her thousanth box of tampons since she has started ttc. she has mixed feelings of hope and despair as she starts her last try of IUI with injectibles before moving on to the really big guns IVF
Cycle Day One-
.................................
Fertile Girls- can't believe she is so excited to see her period... she is officially ttc:)
Infertile Girls- calls the fertility clinic to scedule the base line ultrasound
Cycle Day three-
.............................................
Fertile Girl- can't wait for her period to be over already
Infertile Girl- sits with her legs in stirrups and praying that she doesn't bleed all over the doctor and table...goes down to the pharmacy and pays $600 for her new meds
Cycle Day seven-
..................................................
Fertile Girl- can't believe that it's almost time to ovulate...goes out and buys sexy lingerie and anticipates the big day...
Infertile girl- goes for another transvaginal ultrasound to see how many follicles she has...listens to dr. tell her one more time that if this doesn't work, she should move on to IVF...drops $100 at the clinic goes home and tells her husband that it's that time of the month, this doesn't mean what it usually means, between af and the progestrone suppositories this is the time of month they can actually have sex
Cycle Day nine-
...................................................
Fertile Girl- starts telling her friends she is ttc...they all giggle and then comment on how cute babies and baby clothes are
Infertile Girl- goes for another ultrasound...drops another $100 at the clinic...follicles are ready to go- time for the HCG trigger :) hope starts up again for the non fertile as she goes home and tries numerous times to inject the 1 1/2 inch needle into her ass....proceeds not to be able to sit on her right cheek for the rest of the day
Ovulation-
.........................................
Fertile Girl- The moment has come!!!! In pure excitment and joy, fertile girl and husband have sex in the privacy of their bedroom... after they finish, fertile girl joyfully cries out" I think we just made a baby"
Infertile girl- sends husband to the clinic after harrassing him for the past hour to hurry up or he will be late...husband walks non to happy out the door...2 hours later infertile girl heads to the clinic herself...as she gets there and lays half naked on the table she has a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach as to what her husbands sperm count will be....dr finally enters the room with the nurse and inserts the cold speculum and begins to attempt to get the cateter through the cervix...after some prodding around he exclaims " think happy thoughts" has her husbands sperm is shot into her uterus ( husband at this point could no longer be present). Infertile girl then lays on the table for another half an hour wondering if this may actually be it ... she will go through this exact process tommorow as well, and then pay around $600 for the two days of IUI's.
1DPO
..............
Fertile Girl- Husband begins reffering to her as his pregnant wife
Infertile Girl- pees on a pregnancy test because a. she wants to make sure the trigger did in fact work and b. because she wants to make sure that this isn't all a hoax and that these things do actually give off two lines ( by the way those two lines are the most beautiful site in the world )
5DPO
..............
Ferilte Girl- Has a moment were she begins to doubt herself... She heard about a woman who had to try for four WHOLE months before finally concieving...fertile girl can't bear to think about this because she is just soooo impatient to have a baby, there is no way she could possible make it four months....however she logically thinks to herself that there simply couldn't be any way she couldn't be pregnant...i mean she did have unprotected sex while she was ovulating...how could she NOT be pregnant....she laughes a little at herself for being so silly
Infertile girl- Begins to get nerves that maybe this cycle once again didn't work....she just doesn't feel any differant then she did last week before the IUI's...oh of course she has extremely sore breasts, head aches, nausea, and contemplates laying naked at night on the balcony to ward off the heat waves, but she knows these are simply side effects from the meds she is taking...she begins to get nervous about the next step...IVF...she thinks about the $15,000 or so that she will be paying out of pocket and thinks to herself that if that doesn't work what will she do...how many times can she afford to pay out that kind of money... she can't believe she has gotten this far...IVF used to seem so far in the future , and here it is, just waiting for her to get another BFN
9 DPO-
.............................
Fertile Girl- her mom starts bringing up that she is ready to to a grandma soon...fertile girl shares her secret that her and her husband are trying to have a baby, and that her wish of being a grandma will soon come true...
Infertile Girl- After 2 women announce their pregancies at work ( one of whom wasn't even trying, it "just happened" ) infertile girl goes out with some friends to blow off some steem...one of her friends who got married after infertile girl began ttc casually announces that after 2 month of trying, her and her husband are expecting a baby... after infertile girl puts on a brave face in front of her friend she cries the whole way home...once at home,infertile girls husband announces that he talked to his brother earlier and guess what, him and his wife are expecting their first baby... after hearing this news infertile girl calls up one of her friends who is single and doesn't want children to vent about all these fertile people...infertile girls friend suggests that maybe infertile girl just isn't meant to have children...after a few more minutes infertile girls friend says she is worried because she had a fling three weeks ago and forgot to use a condom and now she is a week late...after infertile girl gets off the phone and considers hurling it out the living room window it rings again and this time is a nosy relative calling to gossip...after hearing about so and so's new baby the nosy relative tell infertile girl that she should have a baby, it's time now and she isn't getting any younger.... at this point all infertile girl wants to do is down several shots of some hard liquer, but doesn't because there is still that sliver of chance that maybe she is pregnant...instead she climbs into bed ,flips on the t.v. only to hear the news broadcaster say " and after the break we will reveal which new celebrity couple announced today they are expecting their first child"..................
11 DPO
...........................
Fertile Girl- decides to head out to the store and buy a pregnancy test...she knows she is testing before her period is due, but she just cannot wait any longer...thes past 11 days were the longest of her life, and she is just sooo impatient to find out...
Infertile Girl- decides that tommorow she may as well take a test...that way if it is negative she can still tell herself that maybe it was just too early to test if it is negative
12 DPO
..........................
Fertile Girl- wakes up with butterflies in her stomach...it's time to take the test...she sneaks into the bathroom and after she is done she puts the test on the sink and sees the control line pop up...after a minute or so she still only sees the one line and starts to get anxious becuase this can't be right...how can she not be pregnant after she did everything right...after a few moments sure enough, that faint second line shows up... fertile girl is ecstatic!!!!!!! she goes back to bed , where her husband is still peacefuly sleeping and nudges him awake, whispering excitedly " your going to be a daddy"... husband immediately wakes up and they hug, laugh and kiss...after they settle down husband places his hands on his wife's flat belly and they happily think how their lives are about to change........
Infertile Girl- also wakes up with butterflies in her stomach...she sneaks into the bathroom with her husband still asleep and nervously unwraps the 750th pregnancy test she has taken since ttc....after she pees on the test she too sets it on the sink and stares. The control line pops up immediatly....infertile girl keeps staring at where the second line should appear, hoping to see something...anything....after 5 minutes the test strip is snow white, except for that dark red control line that seems to be mocking her....feebily infertile girl picks up the test and stands on the toilet holding the test up to the bathroom light, hoping to see the faintest of lines.....nothing.....she leaves the bathroom with a hollow feeling in her stomach...she tells herself it could still be too early, but her heart tells her its not...she gets back in bed and begins to cry, softly not to wake her husband...however her husband is awake and puts his arms around her...he doesn't have to ask why she is upset...after awhile she looks up, to see that his eyes are also red.....she thinks about the next step ...IVF and how scared she is to take that step... the thoughts going throuh her head are how many more shots IVF requires, the egg retrieval process, the fact that it will be a doctor that will be making her baby, the $15,000 that will all be riding on this one try, etc etc etc.......................................
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
a little upbeat
I bought a baby outfit today.
For my future baby.
I don't know why. I don't really do that kind of thing. I think I bought a sleeper a year or so ago that I thought was cute.
It's not that I feel that this cycle is the one, it's just that I have been feeling a little happier lately. That feeling comes and goes in waves though. A lot of times I get pretty down about all this stuff.
Anyways, it was just a cute little outfit at TJ Maxx for $5. It's for a boy:)
For my future baby.
I don't know why. I don't really do that kind of thing. I think I bought a sleeper a year or so ago that I thought was cute.
It's not that I feel that this cycle is the one, it's just that I have been feeling a little happier lately. That feeling comes and goes in waves though. A lot of times I get pretty down about all this stuff.
Anyways, it was just a cute little outfit at TJ Maxx for $5. It's for a boy:)
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Help
Can someone please tell me how to add links to other blogs on my blog? I have been trying to figure it out, but I'm lost.
Thanks
Thanks
Dreams dreams and more dreams
I had a pregnancy dream this cycle, but it has been differant then all the rest. Of course I am hoping that this is a good thing. I usually have one pregnancy dream in the 2ww, and they are always a little weird. This one was very short and it wasn't really a dream, more like being in darkness and a feeling that I was pregnant with a boy and somehow I knew his name was Holden. I don't even know where I got that name from, I don't really particularly like it.
I have been having really vivid dreams for quite a few nights now.
Some of them have been weird in a funny way. Like there was one dream I had about 4 nights ago where I was in this ladies house who posts on babycenter and she ended up being a client. I was rooting around her bathroom cabinets looking for something ( what I don't know ) and she had Soerens favorite choclate from Germany. The woman had like a gazillion kids and I figured nobody would notice if I took some. While I was talking to her and her husband about lanterns, her husband got really upset and told me that we were late with there order, after that all the choclate fell out of my pockets and landed in front of them.
I was quite happy to wake up from that dream.
Then 2 nights ago I had one of those dreams that disturb you to the core. I don't remember all of it and I understand none of it. I was in someone elses body, a little boy's I think, who was about 8 years old. He was differant then other kids ( maybe because he was in a wheelchair, I don't remember a wheel chair , but get the feeling he was in one ) I don't remember anything else, but a horrible sense of fear, sadness, basically just horror. It wasn't sadness that this kid was in a wheel chair, it was this horrible sense that something going on was terribly wrong. I can't really describe this horrible feeling, but I still can remember it. It wasn't fear, it was something much deeper.
I woke up from that dream basically shaking and I see Soeren next to me sitting up in bed talking to himself ( I think he was saying "thats not a real black")...Anyways, yeah it was pretty creepy. I basically shoved Soeren awake because he was freaking me out. He went back to sleep, but I stayed up for 2 hours after that with this gut feeling that someone was in the room with me that wasn't my husband.
Then I think this was last night, but I kept dreaming about the words"deus ex machina" .I have no idea what this even means, but it was there, grounding itself into my head over and over again.
I usually can remember my dreams pretty well, and I do have some off the wall ones, but the past few night they have been on this new level of clarity. I feel like these dreams are telling me something. I don't usually feel that.
I have been having really vivid dreams for quite a few nights now.
Some of them have been weird in a funny way. Like there was one dream I had about 4 nights ago where I was in this ladies house who posts on babycenter and she ended up being a client. I was rooting around her bathroom cabinets looking for something ( what I don't know ) and she had Soerens favorite choclate from Germany. The woman had like a gazillion kids and I figured nobody would notice if I took some. While I was talking to her and her husband about lanterns, her husband got really upset and told me that we were late with there order, after that all the choclate fell out of my pockets and landed in front of them.
I was quite happy to wake up from that dream.
Then 2 nights ago I had one of those dreams that disturb you to the core. I don't remember all of it and I understand none of it. I was in someone elses body, a little boy's I think, who was about 8 years old. He was differant then other kids ( maybe because he was in a wheelchair, I don't remember a wheel chair , but get the feeling he was in one ) I don't remember anything else, but a horrible sense of fear, sadness, basically just horror. It wasn't sadness that this kid was in a wheel chair, it was this horrible sense that something going on was terribly wrong. I can't really describe this horrible feeling, but I still can remember it. It wasn't fear, it was something much deeper.
I woke up from that dream basically shaking and I see Soeren next to me sitting up in bed talking to himself ( I think he was saying "thats not a real black")...Anyways, yeah it was pretty creepy. I basically shoved Soeren awake because he was freaking me out. He went back to sleep, but I stayed up for 2 hours after that with this gut feeling that someone was in the room with me that wasn't my husband.
Then I think this was last night, but I kept dreaming about the words"deus ex machina" .I have no idea what this even means, but it was there, grounding itself into my head over and over again.
I usually can remember my dreams pretty well, and I do have some off the wall ones, but the past few night they have been on this new level of clarity. I feel like these dreams are telling me something. I don't usually feel that.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Down a dusty road in Tijuana
I work in Tijuana, Mexico. I wonder if I have ever mentioned that. Every day I leave my nice little neighborhood in San Diego and enter the absolute choas of a third world country.
I was thinking this morning, as I was walking my dog past all the lovely little craftsmen houses, that I once too had a house. I used to live in Palmdale, which is about 3 hours from San Diego. I moved there with my parents when I was 6.
Palmdale was this small little town that just felt so safe ( I have no idea why right now, since it's crime rate is higher then San Diego's ). Granted there wasn't a lot to do there- but Los Angeles was only an hour away. Soeren ( this is dh name, I'm going to start using it now and not refer to him as dh anymore ) and I moved back after we got married. We eloped, so my parents used the money that we would have used on a wedding as a downpayment on a house.
God, I loved our house. We had the cutest backyard, we had a fireplace, we had a big living room AND family room, we had three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I loved it.
Best of all, it was 10 minutes away from our shop.
Then California came with it's new laws. I hate California sometimes. Without a single one of our workers getting injured, our worksman compensation went from $3,000 to $24,000 a month. This happened to a lot of other businesses too, and suprise suprise, businesses started leaving California.
We didn't have a lot of choices where to go. We needed to stay close to Los Angeles ( mainly Beverly Hills ) because that is where most of our business comes from. We couldn't move to Arizona because the heat in the summer would literally kill our forgers. We couldn't move to Las Vegas because of the heat and the fact that welders are in too high of a demand over there.
So we ended up in Mexico.
Sometimes I really like Mexico, basically because it's so differant then the U.S. I love the grocery stores, and I love the way everything just comes alive at night.
Sometimes I hate it though. Like this morning a cop trailed me all the way to my shop, just waiting for me to mess up.Really he could have pulled me over even if I did nothing wrong. In Mexico, you don't get a ticket, your expected to pay the cops off. They can go as far as arresting you and taking your car if they want to. Thats rare, but you do always have to have cash. To date, my dad has been pulled over 3 times, and Soeren as been to jail once.
It freaks me out a little how you can pay off everyone in Mexico. My foreman says you can pay off everything but death ( meaning you can't stay immortal ) he had to clarify that because even murder can easily be paid off.
It's weird.
A lot of times you drive along the street and men with huge guns stop every car and ask questions. I never know what they ask as I don't speak a word of Spanish. When I started driving by myself down there I was worried about getting lost. See, there aren't any numbers like we have here, and streets go on forever. Plus cell phones don't work down there. My dad told me to come to Tijuana every day with a full tank of gas and just keep going north if I got lost.
And, to top everthing off, Mexican men do not like following the orders of a woman. When I try to disipline them they run off to my dad. In Mexico, you can't fire people as easily as you can in the states, and they know that, so they act on it. I have gotten a lot tougher though, and have figured out my own legal way to disipline them. Now when they run to my dad , he sends them back to me.
I don't know why I decided to write so much about Mexico. I guess I've just been thinking about my life, and Mexico is a huge part of it. I love living in San Diego, but sometimes I really miss the safety of Palmdale and our shop that was only 10 minutes away.
I was thinking this morning, as I was walking my dog past all the lovely little craftsmen houses, that I once too had a house. I used to live in Palmdale, which is about 3 hours from San Diego. I moved there with my parents when I was 6.
Palmdale was this small little town that just felt so safe ( I have no idea why right now, since it's crime rate is higher then San Diego's ). Granted there wasn't a lot to do there- but Los Angeles was only an hour away. Soeren ( this is dh name, I'm going to start using it now and not refer to him as dh anymore ) and I moved back after we got married. We eloped, so my parents used the money that we would have used on a wedding as a downpayment on a house.
God, I loved our house. We had the cutest backyard, we had a fireplace, we had a big living room AND family room, we had three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I loved it.
Best of all, it was 10 minutes away from our shop.
Then California came with it's new laws. I hate California sometimes. Without a single one of our workers getting injured, our worksman compensation went from $3,000 to $24,000 a month. This happened to a lot of other businesses too, and suprise suprise, businesses started leaving California.
We didn't have a lot of choices where to go. We needed to stay close to Los Angeles ( mainly Beverly Hills ) because that is where most of our business comes from. We couldn't move to Arizona because the heat in the summer would literally kill our forgers. We couldn't move to Las Vegas because of the heat and the fact that welders are in too high of a demand over there.
So we ended up in Mexico.
Sometimes I really like Mexico, basically because it's so differant then the U.S. I love the grocery stores, and I love the way everything just comes alive at night.
Sometimes I hate it though. Like this morning a cop trailed me all the way to my shop, just waiting for me to mess up.Really he could have pulled me over even if I did nothing wrong. In Mexico, you don't get a ticket, your expected to pay the cops off. They can go as far as arresting you and taking your car if they want to. Thats rare, but you do always have to have cash. To date, my dad has been pulled over 3 times, and Soeren as been to jail once.
It freaks me out a little how you can pay off everyone in Mexico. My foreman says you can pay off everything but death ( meaning you can't stay immortal ) he had to clarify that because even murder can easily be paid off.
It's weird.
A lot of times you drive along the street and men with huge guns stop every car and ask questions. I never know what they ask as I don't speak a word of Spanish. When I started driving by myself down there I was worried about getting lost. See, there aren't any numbers like we have here, and streets go on forever. Plus cell phones don't work down there. My dad told me to come to Tijuana every day with a full tank of gas and just keep going north if I got lost.
And, to top everthing off, Mexican men do not like following the orders of a woman. When I try to disipline them they run off to my dad. In Mexico, you can't fire people as easily as you can in the states, and they know that, so they act on it. I have gotten a lot tougher though, and have figured out my own legal way to disipline them. Now when they run to my dad , he sends them back to me.
I don't know why I decided to write so much about Mexico. I guess I've just been thinking about my life, and Mexico is a huge part of it. I love living in San Diego, but sometimes I really miss the safety of Palmdale and our shop that was only 10 minutes away.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Dates and Numbers
I have a weird thing with remembering dates and numbers. I never forget peoples birthdays, I can remember phone numbers in a heartbeat, etc.
In the past 16 months, I have always figured out my due date just in case the particular cycle I was on was the lucky one. I can go back to May and let you know when I would have been due every month.
Some edd's when they have come around have hit me a little hard. Most I didn't even notice.
Todays is one that has really stuck in my brain. Nine months ago was one of those cycles that I was sure I was pregnant. It was also the cycle that I decided if I was not pregnant something had to be wrong and that we would begin fertility testing. I remember I was thinking I would be due Jan 6th, and how close that was to Christmas.
It's pointless to think about these things, but how differant would life be had I actually been pregnant. I would have been one of those women that took slightly longer to concieve, but thats it. I would be having a baby around now.
It's just weird to think about.
Instead I am here in my sweltering shop ( is it normal for it to be like 90 degrees in January?) wondering once again if maybe this is the month. And once again I am at that point where things can go one way or the other. I will either be pregnant this month and be thrilled that IUI worked and think how close I came to IVF, or I will be starting IVF.
I just don't want to be sitting here at the end of September still struggling with infertility and thinking if only that last IUI worked I would be having a baby right now.
In the past 16 months, I have always figured out my due date just in case the particular cycle I was on was the lucky one. I can go back to May and let you know when I would have been due every month.
Some edd's when they have come around have hit me a little hard. Most I didn't even notice.
Todays is one that has really stuck in my brain. Nine months ago was one of those cycles that I was sure I was pregnant. It was also the cycle that I decided if I was not pregnant something had to be wrong and that we would begin fertility testing. I remember I was thinking I would be due Jan 6th, and how close that was to Christmas.
It's pointless to think about these things, but how differant would life be had I actually been pregnant. I would have been one of those women that took slightly longer to concieve, but thats it. I would be having a baby around now.
It's just weird to think about.
Instead I am here in my sweltering shop ( is it normal for it to be like 90 degrees in January?) wondering once again if maybe this is the month. And once again I am at that point where things can go one way or the other. I will either be pregnant this month and be thrilled that IUI worked and think how close I came to IVF, or I will be starting IVF.
I just don't want to be sitting here at the end of September still struggling with infertility and thinking if only that last IUI worked I would be having a baby right now.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Agghhhh, the waiting begins
Well, second IUI is done. It was yesterday so as of today I am 1 dpo.
Let the waiting begin:)
Funny but dh count was 4 million more then the 1st IUI, and he only had one day instead of 2 1/2. Altogether we got 8.8 good motile sperm put back into me. The nurse was really excited when she saw that number:)
I have my blood test on Friday the 20th. I got as late of an appointment as I could get, so that if it is not good news, I can just stay home and be upset. Last thing I want to do in that situation is go to work. And if it is good news then we can celebrate all weekend long.
I really wonder if I will be able to make it to the bloodtest without testing myself first. I told myself I wouldn't, but then that call from the office is so scary. There are no ifs or maybe it was too early about the blood test.
Now it's just waiting:) I am trying not to take any of these things as sign but we are only 5 days into the new year, and things have not been going too great. First our heating broke, then my car broke down not once but twice ( neither time I had a cell phone so I had to walk home ) I hit my neighbors car and dented it pretty bad ,my San Fransisco reps are being stupid- they have 2 orders they are really bitching about, we where told that they are not extending our lease in our shop, so now we have to be out in 2 months ( it's not exactly a walk in the park to move a huge blacksmith shop). Another thing with the move is that if we are doing it in Feb, that is when I would be doing IVF. I don't want to delay IVF at all, but I also don't want to leave things hanging with the move.
I guess we have been really lucky with the IUI this month. 3 good size eggs and good sperm
Ughhhhhh. Can we go back to 2005?
Let the waiting begin:)
Funny but dh count was 4 million more then the 1st IUI, and he only had one day instead of 2 1/2. Altogether we got 8.8 good motile sperm put back into me. The nurse was really excited when she saw that number:)
I have my blood test on Friday the 20th. I got as late of an appointment as I could get, so that if it is not good news, I can just stay home and be upset. Last thing I want to do in that situation is go to work. And if it is good news then we can celebrate all weekend long.
I really wonder if I will be able to make it to the bloodtest without testing myself first. I told myself I wouldn't, but then that call from the office is so scary. There are no ifs or maybe it was too early about the blood test.
Now it's just waiting:) I am trying not to take any of these things as sign but we are only 5 days into the new year, and things have not been going too great. First our heating broke, then my car broke down not once but twice ( neither time I had a cell phone so I had to walk home ) I hit my neighbors car and dented it pretty bad ,my San Fransisco reps are being stupid- they have 2 orders they are really bitching about, we where told that they are not extending our lease in our shop, so now we have to be out in 2 months ( it's not exactly a walk in the park to move a huge blacksmith shop). Another thing with the move is that if we are doing it in Feb, that is when I would be doing IVF. I don't want to delay IVF at all, but I also don't want to leave things hanging with the move.
I guess we have been really lucky with the IUI this month. 3 good size eggs and good sperm
Ughhhhhh. Can we go back to 2005?
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
First IUI.......
Well, I had IUI #1 this morning.
Things went good. Dh count went down a little but the quality went up. Altogether there where 88 million sperm and 13 million were the good motile sperm. One of the nurses same in and told me she saw them under the microscope and said they looked very happy:)
So I am happy with that number. With tommorows IUI I should have hopefully more then 20 million good sperm inside me, so that gives me pretty much as good chances as I can hope for.
I guess all I can do now is do tommorows IUI and wait and see.
I am suprisingly calm this month. I was just so relieved that this would be the last time I would stress about numbers for an IUI. I just figure that if it supposed to happen it will.
I have to say I love my IUI days. I take off work for the whole day and after the IUI I just come home and relax:) I had a 2 hour nap this afternoon :)
Things went good. Dh count went down a little but the quality went up. Altogether there where 88 million sperm and 13 million were the good motile sperm. One of the nurses same in and told me she saw them under the microscope and said they looked very happy:)
So I am happy with that number. With tommorows IUI I should have hopefully more then 20 million good sperm inside me, so that gives me pretty much as good chances as I can hope for.
I guess all I can do now is do tommorows IUI and wait and see.
I am suprisingly calm this month. I was just so relieved that this would be the last time I would stress about numbers for an IUI. I just figure that if it supposed to happen it will.
I have to say I love my IUI days. I take off work for the whole day and after the IUI I just come home and relax:) I had a 2 hour nap this afternoon :)
Monday, January 02, 2006
The happy part of the cycle
It's that time of month again.
I had my last ultrasound this morning and I have 3 eggs ready to go :)
Unfortunatley my cycst is till there, but the dr. wasn't concerned about it.
I feel like that really cements my idea of IVF next cycle if this doesn't work. With the cycst, I doubt I would be able to do another round of injectibles.
I took my HCG trigger about an hour ago. After I gave myself the shot I realized there was still a bit of liquid in the bottle that didn't make it into the syringe. It came to about 1/2 cc so I stuck the needle into me again. It hurt like hell!!! The needle wasn't sharp anymore so I had the literally jam it in with force. I can barely sit now:( I think if I get to IVF I will have to take a shot or two of vodka before I give myself the progestrone shot. Oh wait, that might not be good for the embryos ....damn it.
But either way, this is the part of my cycle that I love. I know at the moment I am not pregnant so I am not obsessing about symptoms but I know that there is a good chance that I might be pregnant tommorow:) I have the IUI tommorow and Wed. so I am full of hope right now. I am just praying that dh sperm count will be like it was last time. But I love this time. I took tommorow and Wed off, so after the IUI's I will just come home and relax.
I also really am starting to feel comfortable with the idea of IVF next cycle. I thought it would make me more nervous this month knowing it's my last month of IUI but instead it is just relief.
It this does not work then I am moving on to something that will really up my chances:)
I am determined to be holding a baby in my arms by the end of 2006.
I had my last ultrasound this morning and I have 3 eggs ready to go :)
Unfortunatley my cycst is till there, but the dr. wasn't concerned about it.
I feel like that really cements my idea of IVF next cycle if this doesn't work. With the cycst, I doubt I would be able to do another round of injectibles.
I took my HCG trigger about an hour ago. After I gave myself the shot I realized there was still a bit of liquid in the bottle that didn't make it into the syringe. It came to about 1/2 cc so I stuck the needle into me again. It hurt like hell!!! The needle wasn't sharp anymore so I had the literally jam it in with force. I can barely sit now:( I think if I get to IVF I will have to take a shot or two of vodka before I give myself the progestrone shot. Oh wait, that might not be good for the embryos ....damn it.
But either way, this is the part of my cycle that I love. I know at the moment I am not pregnant so I am not obsessing about symptoms but I know that there is a good chance that I might be pregnant tommorow:) I have the IUI tommorow and Wed. so I am full of hope right now. I am just praying that dh sperm count will be like it was last time. But I love this time. I took tommorow and Wed off, so after the IUI's I will just come home and relax.
I also really am starting to feel comfortable with the idea of IVF next cycle. I thought it would make me more nervous this month knowing it's my last month of IUI but instead it is just relief.
It this does not work then I am moving on to something that will really up my chances:)
I am determined to be holding a baby in my arms by the end of 2006.
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