The fear has set in

Okay, let me begin by saying that these posts of mine might be getting a bit redundent now.
I am slowly getting back on my feet, every cycle that fails is getting harder and harder each time now.

As the post title says it, fear has really set in. I have accepted that I am not pregnant. However it is really hitting home how close IVF is.

I have always been really oppossed to IVF ( for myself ). It's not from a religous percpective that bothers me. I don't know. I always ( well since last May ) assumed that IUI's would work.
The sheer thought of IVF has always scared me though.

One big thing is the money issue. It's so stupid really. I actually am making really good money now and ( knock on wood ) if my sales continue this way I should have no problem paying for IVF. In addition to that I do have a good size savings account, so money really shouldn't be an object. I feel so bad even writing that though. I know there are so many women out there who only wish they had the funds for IVF.

I guess I just never saw myself shelling out so much money for a baby. It's totally worth it, and if I got a written guarentee that if I wrote a check out for 20 grand I would get a baby in return I would do it in a heartbeat. I just hate that so many people get to have babies for free. They just have sex and thats it- baby. No shots, hormones, the lovely transvaginal ultrasounds, laying in stirrups with a dr shooting my dh sperm directly into my uterus. None of that. They don't spend hunders and hundreds of dollars every month.

I told my mom today that I think I would like my paycheck deposited directly to my Infertility Clinic.

I guess what I am realizing is that I have not yet accepted that my baby will not be concieved naturally. It's weird that I haven't gotten to that point yet, but yup, thats where I am.

I hate this feeling that I have to spend so much money for something people have for free. This also really relates to buying a house too. I would love to buy a house in my neighborhood. I don't live in a fancy area, but I do live in a safe area. I can walk my dog in the dark and not be worried whether I lock my door or not when I am home. 3 years ago the houses around me sold for about $300,000. They all go for around a million now. I fell that its unfair that a few years ago someone like me could afford to live here and I cannot. I work hard but I feel like it's not enough. I feel like I am drowning in the cost of living and a family.

My friends Michelle and Larissa have heard me complain about this a hundred times:) I live in San Diego, in a small rental condo/cottage/trying to be a house. There is no way in hell a baby will ever fit in here. My place is tiny! It's not worth it to spend more money on a bigger rental- we pay $1,160 as it is- and that is really cheap here.
If I want to rent a house I need to spend about $2000 a month on rent. I really want to be able to own a home when I have a baby. All of them money I have saved is earmarked for the purchase of a home. At the rate we are going, we may be able to afford a home next year.
Now, without question, I would take a baby over a house anyday. But for one thing, a house is a sure thing. If I put down $100,000 on a house I know I will get a house. If I put down the same amount for a baby- it's not a guarentee. And it scares me so much to think that I could shell out all this money and have a nurse call at the end of everything and tell me "sorry, it was negative".

Another fear of course is that I get the baby and have no money to move out of here. And I know that doing all this fertility stuff greatly increases my chances for multiples.
Seriously, I will have to have the crib in the bathroom and the changing table on the balcony.

I guess writing all this I realize it's money that I am scared of. Not really IVF. I think I would feel a lot differently about it if it was somehow free.