I had that dream again last night.
Almost every month I do some kind of fertility treatment, I have a dream in my 2ww that I am pregnant. I hate these dreams so much because of the flood of pain that comes when I awake.
Last nights dream I saw my baby on an ultrasound. I was so happy and relieved that I started crying. You know how people say your can't really miss what you never had? I feel that while all this infertility stuff sucks, I haven't actually lost something. Everytime I have these dreams, for that little while, I feel the complete elation of finally having my dream. Waking up and realizing none of it was true is like a stabbing pain.
I realized that what I said a few posts back isn't true. 2ww do phase me. I have just been through so many of them I feel like I am always in this limbo of waiting.
What does it feel like to be pregnant?
Do you somehow intuitively feel the sperm and egg connect?
Do you feel nothing at all until you get a BFP?
As much as I try to stay calm during the 2ww, these thoughts can't help but creep into my mind.
My IUI's were last Monday and Tuesday. I didn't feel anything differant- should I have?
Now, almost a week into my 2ww, I don't feel pregnant. Should I, if I am?
Symptomes mean nothing. My breasts have been sore like never before about 1 day after the second IUI. Along with horrible nausea that I have been having, one would think for sure these are pregnancy syptoms. However, after injecting myself full of hormones all last week, I know all these are merely the side effects of the drugs.
Will I ever have that intuitive" I am pregnant" feeling when I do concieve? After so many months of it not happening I know my body has put up a wall against these types of emotions. I can't let myself believe that I am pregnant, because I know how hard the fall will be if I am not.
I can't be as full of hope as those girl who first start ttc. It's not a big deal when you first start ttc. The stakes are so much higher now. I have no insurance coverage to anything we are doing, and it's hard to think that we spent about $1,500 - $2,000 this month all for nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here telling myself I 'm not pregnant. I'm just questioning myself if I should be feeling anything if I was.
I don't think I want to do this for much longer. I am lucky my husband basically lets me call the shots at what to do fertility wise. I think if this cycle doesn't work, I'll do another of injectibles, but then throw in the towel and move on to IVF.
5 comments:
Hi Timea, found your blog through Larisa. I can relate to how you're feeling. I know how hard the 2ww is. You want to be hopeful but then you're afraid to because of the disappointment. I question everything I feel in the hopes that it's a PG symptom. Having done injectibles for IVF I know too well how so many of the symptoms can be side effects. I know it's hard but don't lose hope. I hope this cycle will bring you your miracle. Will keep checking to see how you're doing. Lots of luck to you.
Liz
Hi Timea--
I know what you mean. I haven't had a 2 ww in a few months now--- but even when I was going through it- I denied myself any feelings of hope. I just "knew" it hadn't worked.
At least you have a plan! Moving on to IVF will drastically increase your chances. Don't think of it as throwing in the towel....think of it as moving closer and closer. :)
And you can listen to my crazy stories of IVF as I go through it-- so you'll have some advance warning as to what is coming! :)
Chin up!
You need to allow yourself to hope during the 2ww, but not too much. It's torture! I hope this one works out for you.
What bothered me most of all during my 2 ww were when IDIOT fertiles who were in the know would ask me if I "felt" pregnant. At first, I had no idea what pregnant was supposed to feel like -- and when I was pregnant, I didn't feel anything other than side effects from the prometrium anyway.
The people who say that they supposedly knew the instant that they conceived are full of crap. No one is THAT sensitive.
Thalia is a smart cookie. Follow her advice.
You're in my thoughts.
The 2ww is such torture, I agree completely with Thalia.
It's so anti-climactic in some ways - we get all this information about the first part of our cycles, then nothing for 2 weeks. Where are the "fertilization" pee sticks? Or the "implantation" pee sticks?
I really haven't had pregnancy dreams, but I can imagine (from dreaming about my brother) how unsettling it must be to wake up to reality.
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